i'm a bit fed up today. i've been alright lately, but i feel like this post is going to sound like life's a bit shit. i'll try to find some positivity out of it, but if you know me well you know it's just going to sound another grumpy old women rant.

my laptop broke a few days ago, it's kind of sad how lost i feel without it. my parents insist i shouldn't get it repaired and i should just wait for christmas, which is slightly annoying. i don't like the idea of buying my mams birthday and christmas presents on her computer, i know i can use incognito, but it still feels so odd. she's on holiday for a week, so i guess i can make the most out of it for now. in the next couple of months i'll have loads of work that relies on word documents/contacting people and whatever media students do, it kind of annoys me thinking about having to spend time in the college library when i could be doing the exact same at home sitting in my bedroom. i suppose people have had it worse off, people never used to rely on their computers this much. maybe it's a sign that i should spend less free time at home.

so whilst my parents have been away, my sister has organized 2 'parties'. first one happened last night. wasn't as exciting as it sounds. it was just a bunch of people from her work. only person i invited was liv, and she told me at the last minute that she couldn't come cause she finished work late. eventually she was convinced to come around. the whole night we basically sat around and listened to music, i was the DJ, and i had shit suggestions all night. worst part was when someone who requested peter andre called the skints rubbish. i was heartbroken. we stayed up til after 3 am, and i was really really zombie tired. i overheard my sisters friend saying "how cute is she" about me when i walked out the room, which i thought was a ridiculous thing to say to someone who is about to die from sleep deprivation. i fell asleep straight away, woke up at 6am feeling ill (i had lots of rose wine and there was so many biscuits, usually that would be my perfect dream but ewww) i couldn't sleep for ages after that. i was worrying. eventually i got back to sleep, no idea what time, but i had a really cute dream about clark duke and michael cera, always nice to have them appear in my dreams.

the second party is happening right now. it's the sober party, since one of the people attending is pregnant. it's annoying because i'm starving, i haven't ate since i woke up, and i don't want to interact with anyone. i feel like a scruff without my make-up on, i want to go in the bath but i don't know if anyone is going to need the toilet so i'm going to have to wait. also, i'm in very serious need of an early night. i start work tomorrow, my first ever job, never thought i'd ever get one as ridiculous as it sounds. i have no idea how long the party tonight is going on for, but i know it'll be ages knowing my sister.

OH after i typed that, my sister came in my room and offered me chinese food. i had to give her the money i was given to do christmas shopping with, but i think i do deserve nice food tonight. 

i don't know if i can be bothered to mention how stupid the job interview went. it's probably not worth it, because in the end i did end up with a job. basically, i realised i do make more of an effort than i realised, especially for fussy people. sometimes i feel like i waste my effort on the wrong people, but i think this time it was worthwhile. i'm going to get money that isn't student loan, how fucking sweet is that.

I'VE ENDED THE BLOG POSITIVELY!!!! YOU CAN ALL STOP CALLING ME EMO NOW, IT'S SOMETHING THAT I'VE BEEN TAGGED AS FOR LONG ENOUGH NOW :-----)

the layout of my last post was horrible, oh god. it wasn't very well written either, i blame my tiredness. that was also the reason why i didn't edit the layout to look better. i also blame the new, unclear blogger interface! i think i might have sussed how to get it to work the way i want it to, i guess i have to wait and see.

i wanted to post about my dreams i just had before waking up a few hours ago. they were actually pretty disturbing and i'm really kind of worried thinking about them.

the first 'dream' started out kind of cute. i was part of the tenenbaum family, i think i was probably eli cash, since i don't understand how all of a sudden i was considered a member of their family, i was fully aware who my real family were. i had sequins on my face, and i was wearing one of those feathered red-indian head bands, that probably suggests i was high on mescaline. the shite part about the start of this dream was the tenenbaums actually lived in wallsend rather than new york. for some reason i was in the methodist church near where i live, and i was told that richie had killed himself (it was basically his suicide attempt like he has in the film, except this time he died), and margot found out and did the same. i think she cut her wrists too, i don't really remember due to being awake for so long now. it was disgusting, because i sat next to her lying dead on the floor just looking at her. 

i do recall it happening in this order, but bizarrely, royal died of a heart attack, and the next thing i know, whole family (including myself, richie and margot) are standing around his coffin.
after that part of the dream, i was back to sitting next to dead margot. henry and etheline run into the room and tell me chas died in a plane crash with his wife (who actually died that way in the film, uh)

i recall saying after that "i always wanted to be a tenenbaum" which was really stupid, omg.

i think the next dream was probably worse, and it's one of those ones that i'm face palming myself over now. i was forensic investigator person, and i ended up at a serial killers house. he kidnapped a 11 year old emo kid, tortured her and killed her. but i was the first person to discover it and it was disgusting, omg. how the fuck did i dream this up?

i read over my dream interpretation book this morning because i don't have dreams like this very often. i know i have 'weird dreams' quite a lot, but having dreams that i don't enjoy is something that doesn't happen a lot. i assumed it would mean something horrible is going to happen to me. one of the interpretations of death says i have probably become aware of intellectual opportunities that i've missed, and i should try not to miss them again. this definition also suggests that i'll mature as i do this. i can't work out how this relates to death, but i feel it is appropriate. for example, in the summer i was looking into a different uni course, and i missed the chance. i've been looking into similar courses at a higher level for me to do after i complete my current course.  
the murderer in my dream suggests i'm in denial about something, or i have feelings for someone that can only safely be expressed in dreams. i thought that one was kind of cute, but the next part of the definition suggests that my life is out of balance and the circumstances are destroying me. it kind of sounds really, um, dramatic..
the definition of the aeroplane says that i'm searching for freedom independently. it doesn't say anything about a plane crash, so i'm assuming it means that something is in the way of the freedom, which i think is the case. again, i think it's to do with my next academic year. basically, i was trying to be more independent, or i thought about it, but when i tried, i had my mind changed because of an obstacle (money, of course).

i'd go through all the other definitions of little things, but they're all basically related to things i've already mentioned. i felt like i learnt something from this. maybe having a scary dream once in a while isn't so bad, it allows you to open up your thoughts. dreams normally do that for me, but this has been a different experience.  

woah, the new blogger layout is mental. i feel like i'm doing a proper word document. i'd change it back to the way it was, but it's probably going to permanently change to this layout sooner or later, may as well get used to it. i should probably be getting ready to sleep now, but i then i thought it was the right time to do another one of these. i lost my journal months ago too, so it's the closest thing to that i get to do anymore. i had a pretty shite day to be honest. one of those days like every other one i try to forget. i had a stupid moment though. i know i'm like a one track record when it comes to when i met tim burton blah blah, but i was crying and my dad was sitting next to me trying to calm me down, and he looked at my photo on my bedside of when i met tim burton. he made a remark about it being nice, and i just cried even more. i felt pretty selfish feeling that sorry for myself. i'm hoping the rest of the week should be good. i haven't been to any of my classes for about a month now, due to seth rogen, half term, and the nottingham trip. i'm worried i'll be really far behind, even though i've been reassured i haven't missed much. doesn't help i've agreed to write a film for someone in my class and i haven't bothered my arse with that for ages. now i feel bad for doing this because i could be doing the script. whatever though. and i get to see liv tomorrow for the first time in almost 3 weeks. stupid. but at least that's because she was on holiday. i'm seeing lauren on thursday for the first time in a month, which is genuinely shite considering we spent the whole of our school of our lives together non-stop. i don't even have a proper excuse for not seeing her much anymore. i've kind of reflected my bad mood onto this post unintentionally, the idea was to try and gain a positive outlook some how. that's really not going to happen. i really need to sleep now or i'll be mega zombie in the morning. it's so weird, i have classes to go to, oh dear!

well, i'm home again. today has felt like i was never away, which kind of sucks. but when i was away i felt like i'd been there for ages.

it was a very different experience, and i really hope i get to do things like this again. i got to learn so much, not only about the project, but people in my class, and even myself.
i was with people from my class who i didn't really consider friends. in fact, i was pretty concious that certain people didn't like me, and i felt like i was challenging myself going away with these people. but once i was away, i discovered i got on with everyone really well and it wasn't that hard to speak to people. i hope this is something that sticks with me, or improves, because then things would really be so much more convenient.

another thing i learnt when i was away actually kind of bothers me. in my class, not everyone is the same age, like some people are a lot older than everyone else. i'm the youngest age you can be at this point in the course. when i told everyone i was 19, the responses were "oh my god, really?" which is quite insulting, it suggests they thought i was WAY older. surely, i shouldn't be worrying about looking older at my age, but it really does bother me! imagine what it'll be like when i'm way older, at the age you're meant to worry about looking older than you are! i was told i look "in my 20's", which is pretty young anyway. at the bar in the hotel, when i was with the other girls, they all got ID'd for their drinks (2/3 being older than me by a few years), then when i got served, no request for ID. the sign next to the bar said something on the lines of "if you look under 25 we will ask you for identification". lush.

so yeah, the 2 major points i've made so far have been self-esteem boost, then self-esteem killer. that's usually the case with me, TYPICALLY.

but i've also learnt that time goes really fast. even whenever time seemed to drag when i was on set, i just thought it really can't be that bad in comparison to the coach ride to oxford and back. kind of silly, but really. time has went so fast last month i can't comprehend.

now i really have nothing much to look forward to this year. or nothing for certain. that's the good part, thinking there could be a chance something good will happen without me knowing right now. but as of now, all i have is college til christmas, which is kind of boring. awww man.
i want to go back to london or something D:

i've just been having a thinking session and i decided i need to note it down to myself. it's almost midnight, it's my last proper day at home before i go to nottingham for 3 days. it's going to be weird, i haven't done anything like this before. i never went on a school or college trip that involved having to stay away from home overnight. i've never been away without family or friends. this sounds like i'm not excited, but i am looking forward for this. i hope i can get used to doing things like this, because i'll have to sooner or later. if i want to work in the media, i'm probably going to have to.

i was just thinking about meeting seth rogen. i can imagine anyone else reading this wouldn't be surprised, but really it hasn't crossed my mind as much as i thought it would. i still can't believe i've actually spoken to him. i keep thinking, it probably isn't that much of an amazing thing, people get to speak to him every day and they don't cry and write a blog about how awesome it was. as stupid as it sounds, it's weird that he now knows i exist. and it makes me happy.
i love it when just a thought can make you happy. it's so much harder to come across than a thought that reminds you of something shit and makes you feel shit. it doesn't even need to be something that originally made you feel like shit, it could be something that once made you happy that you don't even want to think about any more. when i think of memories like that, i just question how it ever made me happy. i feel so stupid, even when i'm just thinking to myself.
i'm glad that something as simple as seth rogen can make me realise that my silly little life isn't so bad. infact, i don't think any memory can make me as happy as when i replay the moment i met tim burton to myself in my head. not only does it re-connect me with the feelings i felt at that time, but it makes me realise how lucky i am. i always thought i was an unfortunate person, simply down to things like not having a good time in high school and being ugly. i feel like i can not express enough that good things happen to people who wait. if i ever met my younger self, that's what i'd tell myself. i can't imagine how many more of those memories i'm going to happen, but it's things like that what i live for.

i haven't even acknowledged the fact it's halloween. not even during the day did it really cross my mind. not until i came across people with green hair spary in their hair. i thought it was funny, theirs is going to be washed out by tomorrow, to me green hair is the norm! i didn't do anything special today. i haven't done anything to celebrate halloween at all this year. i don't really mind, which people seem to be surprised about. i think it's a cute holiday, i wouldn't have minded doing something, but it's not really fun when you've got no one to hang out with. god, boring lifetime. it's probably more of a sign that i should grow up/find a job/wawawaa~

i had a really really long dream last night. i'm going to try and remember it all because really, i can't comprehend, ugh. it was like that pink floyd album or something. it could possibly be separate dreams, but it felt like it was one really long one, which has never happened to me before.

i arranged to go to town with liv, i don't remember if i was meeting her there or on the metro or something, but i found myself walking in the direction of hadrian park metro. i was fed up walking cause i was wearing my taller creepers, and i was complaining to myself like an old person. i found myself walking down leylas street, and i thought to myself that i shouldn't look directly in the window to see if she's in. by the time i got to her house i fell over my shoes, and leyla opened the door. i didn't even knock, it was as if she was going to get something from outside, and it was a surprise that i was there. she wearing a white dressing gown and she had all of her hair tied up, and she started to shout things to her mam that i don't remember. still lying face down on the floor, i tell leyla "i'm going to just meet liv in town, i thought you were going" and she was like "like this?"
i'm pretty sure there's a bit more to it after that, but it's totally gone now. i've been awake quite a while now so there's no way i'll remember it whilst i'm typing the rest up, damn.

i eventually get to town. i don't remember who i was with, but there were like 3 people with me and they were hipsters or something. i was in the old greenmarket in town. like before it was poundland and tesco there, i was there in my dream when it was smelly and had loads of green grocers and places like that. most of the places were closed, and i remember it being a bit like breakfast club where they're all running about in the school corridors, we were pretty much doing the same, except we were looking for places that were open. we eventually get to the back of the market to find a place open. it was selling clothes, the clothes was obviously aimed at indie kids, but they were like really ridiculous. the shop owner was some middle aged indian man. i looked through some t-shirt, and i find this baby blue t-shirt with a giant print of martin starr as bill haverchuck in freaks and geeks. i got all the people i was with and said "really, i don't give a fuck if this place is shitty, let me have this shirt". i don't recall actually buying the shirt, but i wore it through the rest of the dream.

next place i remember being in was the co-op i think. it probably was since the greenmarket was close to the co-op. i was with lauren. i don't know what it is, but when i have a dream with lauren in, we always seem to be in the co-op together. i don't really associate them together (other than the story of when we were in primary school and we had to draw what job we wanted when we left school and she wanted to be a till operative at the co-op). the distillers were playing a show, and i was like "lauren do you realise how mental this is, a band that i love that broke up playing in any old shop in town". the funny thing was, they were performing on some giant jump mat that you'd see in the sports centre, or what you'd see when you did gymnastics in school. it was like a giant trampoline, and i was jumping along to the distillers, i recall brody dalle staring at me in shock. the back of my bill shirt had ripped and it was like a cape and it kept going in front of me. i remember falling after that, but it was as if i just wanted to sleep. next thing i know i'm in a hospital bed FACE DOWN, with loads of bandages or something down my spine. i could actually feel the pain. lauren was sitting next to me on the seat next to the bed, and she explained to me that brody was staring at me because she knew something bad was going to happen to me (omg scary). it was like i was drunk and i forgot what had happened, because lauren was saying i did these things that i don't even remember doing, which led to me injuring my back.

the next place i must be is a recovering place, but it was like i was in some giant hotel room. i don't understand, but the only person i remember who was in there was someone from my high school year who i never had a proper conversation with, probably cause she was really popular compared to me. there must have been 3 more people, but i can't think who they could be. all our beds were pushed together in a circle and we were all sitting on the end, as if it were some sort of meeting. i remember the girl from my school year was told to offer me advice about my spine since she's had a baby since we went to school together, and we probably caused around about the same damage to the spine.. but following the 'advice', i went to the bathroom to check what my back looked like. i remember being advice not to look cause it was horrible. i was still wearing my bill shirt, and i lifted up the cape part to see my back. it was a long purple bruise, had blood in some places, but the colour got stronger the higher up my back it was. for some reason when i got back to the room we were all in, we were all suddenly in the balloon ride at metroland. i think we might have been hiding or something, cause that ride reminds me of when i was like 4 or 5 and i ran away from my parents in metroland and i went on the balloon ride, thinking they heard me and allowed me to go on the ride by myself.

the last part of my dream was reminded me a lot of the end of the green hornet when kato shoots britt so they could treat the shot wound that britt got when he was out as the green hornet.
i remember being in a white car with liv and leyla, and i think my dad was driving, really fast. he was trying to get into the free parking area so i could have my spine looked at again, i got the impression that i done something to it again.

after typing this all out, it doesn't really seem like it was much of a nice dream. my back hurts thinking about it. it was unnecessarily long, but kind of interesting. i probably should've kept it to myself, but i don't have a dream diary wooooooooooooowoooooooooo~

i decided to check out the traffic check thing on blogger, and apparently loads of people look at my blog? the most clicks i had was from my last.fm, but i took it off there since i don't update it as much as other sites i go on. but people are coming from all different places on the internet by the looks of things. HELLO PEOPLE.

i'd totally update this with something interesting, but i'm just about to go. i don't think i have much to share since coming back from oxford. well i do have some exciting news, but i probably shouldn't post it on here just yet since so many people apparently read this shit.
still, i've been home a full week now, damn. i miss being away from here sometimes. i think all the times i've been away from home this year have been the best. i can't wait to travel a lot more.
okay looks like i clearly had something to talk about, i really have to go now. christ emma, blah blah blah.