got to do a christmas post! i have enjoyed today so much. i feel i've appreciated it more since i've worked so much over the christmas holidays, and a day off is not the same as any day off college. hating the idea of going from such a fun day to a working day once again as if today never happened.

i pretty much got everything i wanted for christmas. going to list everything again because wow i enjoy this, it's just for my own entertainment.

off parents:
this laptop i'm using (except i paid a bit)
a wall mirror
skeleton onesie
idiot abroad double boxset
polka dot daytime shirt dress
maassive comfy slippers
maassive fluffy socks
a serious man, burn after reading, intolerable cruelty (i asked for the coen brothers boxset but my mam bought the films from the set separately and apparently i'm getting another couple)
jerry maguire (the tom cruise film, no idea why i got that wow but thanx momndad)
sanctuary bath set
2 sets of toni and guy shampoo and conditioner
2 pairs of nicely designed tights
pearl bracelet and earrings
red body con skirt
metallic mug and hot chocolate set
2 small photoframes (i asked for a frame to fit my signed frank turner poster in but i got these instead wow)
2 nail varnishes

off sister:
lush cosmetics set
fajita making seth
big bottle of anais anais perfume
strawberry and white hot chocolate
perfume travello thing
nail art kit

off liv:
spaced boxset
submarine
idiot abroad book

off lauren:
film buff calender
geek glasses necklace
thorntons chocolate
leopard print hairband

off chris:
ghost perfume set

off 'secret santa':
3 thick bangles (teal, mustard and purple),
a ring with a giant purple stone,
4 body butter thingys.

off leyla:
cult cinema book

that's it. i think i forgot things again. but i'm expecting a secret santa gift on tuesday wwwwwwooooo
need to sleep cause i'm a working lady now

i can't believe it's december already. i never thought the year had gone by fast til now. to think of it, this month has gone pretty fast, it's about third of the way through already. last christmas wasn't even that long ago!

i'd say i haven't blogged for a while because i've been busy, but that would probably be a lie. a lot has been up though.

college hasn't been the most enjoyable these days. no one else is enjoying it either. i feel like i'm making too much of an effort for the amount of output i get from it. but, i've discovered a new motivation to go to college. the dvd section of the library. at first i thought it was pretty crappy, but i've actually borrowed quite a few dvd's since i first had a proper look. also, i discovered this week that some dvds are hidden in the film book section. the spike jonze video collection was amongst the auteur section, and i died of happiness a little, totally getting that when i'm back at college. there are some other films i've been considering, but i put off getting any this week so i can watch films that relate to my work rather than trying to go through my watchlist. plus, the past couple of weeks, i've not been needed in college, and i probably would never find the motivation to go to college just to hand stuff in. it costs me to get there too (probably a crap excuse now i have a job, but i'm the gal with no change ever)

speaking of work, it's been alright. it's SUPER busy, cause of christmas, and the fact every day i've been there, there's been 20% of events and things. i know it's probably wrong, but what makes me enjoy it is finding interesting customers each day. last time i was there, i was sad cause i hardly found any. apart from liv, but she wasn't my customer. i had a dream the other night that i served karl pilkington, and now i'm hoping he does come in. or any other possible, probably british celebrity.
another thing about work i enjoy is the canteen. i only get a 30 minute break, but all the nice food from instore is really discounted. for example, the really nice biscuits that we've had bought a few times in the past month have been in the vending machine for 21p! wow i feel really sad and fat for saying it's something i enjoy about work, but i've never had the advantage of staff discount before. what can i say, i'm a bargin queen.

another thing i should mention is my interesting day out in durham. i was meant to be meeting stacyann there, but she ended up feeling really sick and having to go to her dads. i'd already bought the train tickets, and it cost £10 to refund the tickets, which was more than what i actually paid for. liv ended up joining me, and we went christmas shopping! it had lots of decent shops, i think mine and livs favourites were the vintage shops. they're nothing like the ones here in newcastle. didn't get anything from either, but i was close to getting some cute jewellery from one place. got to go back there after christmas to spoil myself. there was also an interesting market there, apparently it's one of the best places to go in durham. there was a cheap dvd shop there too, but it wasn't fun looking at it because i knew i'd find lots of films i'd want for myself.
only thing that we didn't really like was yates. well the food was alright, but it was kind of sinister. the people there were scary, the atmosphere was horrible, and it was sticky and poopy. there was a man who looked like the bald woman from shutter island, and he kept looking at me and liv. it was horrible.
so the moral of that, when we go back to durham, it'll probably be weatherspoons we pick next time. or nandos. there's meant to be a massive food place like the gate in town, all i remember seeing on the list was nandos, i know how much liv fancies it.
i want to go on another train journey, it was so fun on the way there!

okay i thought i had more to say, but clearly not. BYE

i'm a bit fed up today. i've been alright lately, but i feel like this post is going to sound like life's a bit shit. i'll try to find some positivity out of it, but if you know me well you know it's just going to sound another grumpy old women rant.

my laptop broke a few days ago, it's kind of sad how lost i feel without it. my parents insist i shouldn't get it repaired and i should just wait for christmas, which is slightly annoying. i don't like the idea of buying my mams birthday and christmas presents on her computer, i know i can use incognito, but it still feels so odd. she's on holiday for a week, so i guess i can make the most out of it for now. in the next couple of months i'll have loads of work that relies on word documents/contacting people and whatever media students do, it kind of annoys me thinking about having to spend time in the college library when i could be doing the exact same at home sitting in my bedroom. i suppose people have had it worse off, people never used to rely on their computers this much. maybe it's a sign that i should spend less free time at home.

so whilst my parents have been away, my sister has organized 2 'parties'. first one happened last night. wasn't as exciting as it sounds. it was just a bunch of people from her work. only person i invited was liv, and she told me at the last minute that she couldn't come cause she finished work late. eventually she was convinced to come around. the whole night we basically sat around and listened to music, i was the DJ, and i had shit suggestions all night. worst part was when someone who requested peter andre called the skints rubbish. i was heartbroken. we stayed up til after 3 am, and i was really really zombie tired. i overheard my sisters friend saying "how cute is she" about me when i walked out the room, which i thought was a ridiculous thing to say to someone who is about to die from sleep deprivation. i fell asleep straight away, woke up at 6am feeling ill (i had lots of rose wine and there was so many biscuits, usually that would be my perfect dream but ewww) i couldn't sleep for ages after that. i was worrying. eventually i got back to sleep, no idea what time, but i had a really cute dream about clark duke and michael cera, always nice to have them appear in my dreams.

the second party is happening right now. it's the sober party, since one of the people attending is pregnant. it's annoying because i'm starving, i haven't ate since i woke up, and i don't want to interact with anyone. i feel like a scruff without my make-up on, i want to go in the bath but i don't know if anyone is going to need the toilet so i'm going to have to wait. also, i'm in very serious need of an early night. i start work tomorrow, my first ever job, never thought i'd ever get one as ridiculous as it sounds. i have no idea how long the party tonight is going on for, but i know it'll be ages knowing my sister.

OH after i typed that, my sister came in my room and offered me chinese food. i had to give her the money i was given to do christmas shopping with, but i think i do deserve nice food tonight. 

i don't know if i can be bothered to mention how stupid the job interview went. it's probably not worth it, because in the end i did end up with a job. basically, i realised i do make more of an effort than i realised, especially for fussy people. sometimes i feel like i waste my effort on the wrong people, but i think this time it was worthwhile. i'm going to get money that isn't student loan, how fucking sweet is that.

I'VE ENDED THE BLOG POSITIVELY!!!! YOU CAN ALL STOP CALLING ME EMO NOW, IT'S SOMETHING THAT I'VE BEEN TAGGED AS FOR LONG ENOUGH NOW :-----)

the layout of my last post was horrible, oh god. it wasn't very well written either, i blame my tiredness. that was also the reason why i didn't edit the layout to look better. i also blame the new, unclear blogger interface! i think i might have sussed how to get it to work the way i want it to, i guess i have to wait and see.

i wanted to post about my dreams i just had before waking up a few hours ago. they were actually pretty disturbing and i'm really kind of worried thinking about them.

the first 'dream' started out kind of cute. i was part of the tenenbaum family, i think i was probably eli cash, since i don't understand how all of a sudden i was considered a member of their family, i was fully aware who my real family were. i had sequins on my face, and i was wearing one of those feathered red-indian head bands, that probably suggests i was high on mescaline. the shite part about the start of this dream was the tenenbaums actually lived in wallsend rather than new york. for some reason i was in the methodist church near where i live, and i was told that richie had killed himself (it was basically his suicide attempt like he has in the film, except this time he died), and margot found out and did the same. i think she cut her wrists too, i don't really remember due to being awake for so long now. it was disgusting, because i sat next to her lying dead on the floor just looking at her. 

i do recall it happening in this order, but bizarrely, royal died of a heart attack, and the next thing i know, whole family (including myself, richie and margot) are standing around his coffin.
after that part of the dream, i was back to sitting next to dead margot. henry and etheline run into the room and tell me chas died in a plane crash with his wife (who actually died that way in the film, uh)

i recall saying after that "i always wanted to be a tenenbaum" which was really stupid, omg.

i think the next dream was probably worse, and it's one of those ones that i'm face palming myself over now. i was forensic investigator person, and i ended up at a serial killers house. he kidnapped a 11 year old emo kid, tortured her and killed her. but i was the first person to discover it and it was disgusting, omg. how the fuck did i dream this up?

i read over my dream interpretation book this morning because i don't have dreams like this very often. i know i have 'weird dreams' quite a lot, but having dreams that i don't enjoy is something that doesn't happen a lot. i assumed it would mean something horrible is going to happen to me. one of the interpretations of death says i have probably become aware of intellectual opportunities that i've missed, and i should try not to miss them again. this definition also suggests that i'll mature as i do this. i can't work out how this relates to death, but i feel it is appropriate. for example, in the summer i was looking into a different uni course, and i missed the chance. i've been looking into similar courses at a higher level for me to do after i complete my current course.  
the murderer in my dream suggests i'm in denial about something, or i have feelings for someone that can only safely be expressed in dreams. i thought that one was kind of cute, but the next part of the definition suggests that my life is out of balance and the circumstances are destroying me. it kind of sounds really, um, dramatic..
the definition of the aeroplane says that i'm searching for freedom independently. it doesn't say anything about a plane crash, so i'm assuming it means that something is in the way of the freedom, which i think is the case. again, i think it's to do with my next academic year. basically, i was trying to be more independent, or i thought about it, but when i tried, i had my mind changed because of an obstacle (money, of course).

i'd go through all the other definitions of little things, but they're all basically related to things i've already mentioned. i felt like i learnt something from this. maybe having a scary dream once in a while isn't so bad, it allows you to open up your thoughts. dreams normally do that for me, but this has been a different experience.  

woah, the new blogger layout is mental. i feel like i'm doing a proper word document. i'd change it back to the way it was, but it's probably going to permanently change to this layout sooner or later, may as well get used to it. i should probably be getting ready to sleep now, but i then i thought it was the right time to do another one of these. i lost my journal months ago too, so it's the closest thing to that i get to do anymore. i had a pretty shite day to be honest. one of those days like every other one i try to forget. i had a stupid moment though. i know i'm like a one track record when it comes to when i met tim burton blah blah, but i was crying and my dad was sitting next to me trying to calm me down, and he looked at my photo on my bedside of when i met tim burton. he made a remark about it being nice, and i just cried even more. i felt pretty selfish feeling that sorry for myself. i'm hoping the rest of the week should be good. i haven't been to any of my classes for about a month now, due to seth rogen, half term, and the nottingham trip. i'm worried i'll be really far behind, even though i've been reassured i haven't missed much. doesn't help i've agreed to write a film for someone in my class and i haven't bothered my arse with that for ages. now i feel bad for doing this because i could be doing the script. whatever though. and i get to see liv tomorrow for the first time in almost 3 weeks. stupid. but at least that's because she was on holiday. i'm seeing lauren on thursday for the first time in a month, which is genuinely shite considering we spent the whole of our school of our lives together non-stop. i don't even have a proper excuse for not seeing her much anymore. i've kind of reflected my bad mood onto this post unintentionally, the idea was to try and gain a positive outlook some how. that's really not going to happen. i really need to sleep now or i'll be mega zombie in the morning. it's so weird, i have classes to go to, oh dear!

well, i'm home again. today has felt like i was never away, which kind of sucks. but when i was away i felt like i'd been there for ages.

it was a very different experience, and i really hope i get to do things like this again. i got to learn so much, not only about the project, but people in my class, and even myself.
i was with people from my class who i didn't really consider friends. in fact, i was pretty concious that certain people didn't like me, and i felt like i was challenging myself going away with these people. but once i was away, i discovered i got on with everyone really well and it wasn't that hard to speak to people. i hope this is something that sticks with me, or improves, because then things would really be so much more convenient.

another thing i learnt when i was away actually kind of bothers me. in my class, not everyone is the same age, like some people are a lot older than everyone else. i'm the youngest age you can be at this point in the course. when i told everyone i was 19, the responses were "oh my god, really?" which is quite insulting, it suggests they thought i was WAY older. surely, i shouldn't be worrying about looking older at my age, but it really does bother me! imagine what it'll be like when i'm way older, at the age you're meant to worry about looking older than you are! i was told i look "in my 20's", which is pretty young anyway. at the bar in the hotel, when i was with the other girls, they all got ID'd for their drinks (2/3 being older than me by a few years), then when i got served, no request for ID. the sign next to the bar said something on the lines of "if you look under 25 we will ask you for identification". lush.

so yeah, the 2 major points i've made so far have been self-esteem boost, then self-esteem killer. that's usually the case with me, TYPICALLY.

but i've also learnt that time goes really fast. even whenever time seemed to drag when i was on set, i just thought it really can't be that bad in comparison to the coach ride to oxford and back. kind of silly, but really. time has went so fast last month i can't comprehend.

now i really have nothing much to look forward to this year. or nothing for certain. that's the good part, thinking there could be a chance something good will happen without me knowing right now. but as of now, all i have is college til christmas, which is kind of boring. awww man.
i want to go back to london or something D:

i've just been having a thinking session and i decided i need to note it down to myself. it's almost midnight, it's my last proper day at home before i go to nottingham for 3 days. it's going to be weird, i haven't done anything like this before. i never went on a school or college trip that involved having to stay away from home overnight. i've never been away without family or friends. this sounds like i'm not excited, but i am looking forward for this. i hope i can get used to doing things like this, because i'll have to sooner or later. if i want to work in the media, i'm probably going to have to.

i was just thinking about meeting seth rogen. i can imagine anyone else reading this wouldn't be surprised, but really it hasn't crossed my mind as much as i thought it would. i still can't believe i've actually spoken to him. i keep thinking, it probably isn't that much of an amazing thing, people get to speak to him every day and they don't cry and write a blog about how awesome it was. as stupid as it sounds, it's weird that he now knows i exist. and it makes me happy.
i love it when just a thought can make you happy. it's so much harder to come across than a thought that reminds you of something shit and makes you feel shit. it doesn't even need to be something that originally made you feel like shit, it could be something that once made you happy that you don't even want to think about any more. when i think of memories like that, i just question how it ever made me happy. i feel so stupid, even when i'm just thinking to myself.
i'm glad that something as simple as seth rogen can make me realise that my silly little life isn't so bad. infact, i don't think any memory can make me as happy as when i replay the moment i met tim burton to myself in my head. not only does it re-connect me with the feelings i felt at that time, but it makes me realise how lucky i am. i always thought i was an unfortunate person, simply down to things like not having a good time in high school and being ugly. i feel like i can not express enough that good things happen to people who wait. if i ever met my younger self, that's what i'd tell myself. i can't imagine how many more of those memories i'm going to happen, but it's things like that what i live for.

i haven't even acknowledged the fact it's halloween. not even during the day did it really cross my mind. not until i came across people with green hair spary in their hair. i thought it was funny, theirs is going to be washed out by tomorrow, to me green hair is the norm! i didn't do anything special today. i haven't done anything to celebrate halloween at all this year. i don't really mind, which people seem to be surprised about. i think it's a cute holiday, i wouldn't have minded doing something, but it's not really fun when you've got no one to hang out with. god, boring lifetime. it's probably more of a sign that i should grow up/find a job/wawawaa~