i hate aim

it gets my hopes up with this notification thingy.
yeah, i tried to talk to john again.
if he's not going to bother, then i shouldn't waste my time either.
i think i'm going to make it my last attempt at talking to him on there.

see, this is why i prefer snail mail. look what the internet has done, with this instant messaging shit.
i just want him to say hello or something? i haven't really thought if he would ever talk to me. some acknowledgement from him would be nice.

i wish i was better with words, and more confident.
since i'm average B student at english, and have limited self-esteem, i don't think this will work for me.










or maybe, i'm a creep, and i'm getting too worked up about trying to make something happen, when it obviously won't.

i can't relate to 99% of humanity.

today was meh.

i actually did lots in photography. well, enough to make me feel like i've done a good amount of work. and toby had a chat with me about work, and i think i'm going to get the drift of the next project: heroes.

then it was lunch. me and leyla had a pub lunch.
we then walked back to college, this random and long route. we walked past this house with a cat in the window, and leyla whistled kind of, and the cat jumped. immd.

art was good. even though it was research, i felt good about doing work in that lesson too. i'm looking forward to tomorrows lesson, which is at the last block.

after that, me and leyla went back to photography so leyla could develop her film. he was going to help leyla, and he asked me if i wanted to stay in the room. in this room, you have to have the lights off, so i would have been standing there pointlessly. oh god, it was still awkward what i heard happened. haha.

um, then film. clockwork orange, again. during the lesson, i remembered how much i love it. that was the best part of today. i'm excited to watch it again, probably tomorrow.

liv, leyla and myself went to town after that. well, the library basically. thats it.

today was mixed.

i nearly missed the bus, again. but i didn't.

photography which consisted of not being in the class at all. it was good.
we went outside, then amigos, then my old media classroom, then the dark room. randommmmm.

then enrichment. no one goes cause peter is never in on wednesdays.
the maths teacher took over. he told us to do personal statements, but kept me back, cause i couldn't answer him about if i was going to uni or not. he said he didn't believe me when i said i've spoke to someone about it. he's true in a way.
i felt like crying.
he let me go home early.

then i looked through tattoo pictures when i got home. oh godddddd, i can't wait for mine. 5 months til i can legally get one.

then i met leyla. we went to the metro centre. well, confusing bus drivers wouldn't let me on again. pooooooey. we went to law abiding citizen. it was another horror-ish movie. i enjoyed it though. i think i would have reallyyyyy enjoyed it if they extended one of the murder scenes. i don't want to spoil it for people who want to see it.

don't have much else to say. i just took 4 tablets now for my throat, and they're making me drowzey. so, night.

i am obsessed with this song, so much.

I AM SO BLOODY EXCITED FOR AFI, FUUUUUUCKKK!

darling, i want to destroy you.

today was aggieeeee.

i thought i was going to miss the bus, but i had a lucky streak and the bus was late. that was actually brilliant, cause nothing like thats ever happened to me.

then i had key skills exam.
i don't know if i did well or not. some parts were just so obvious, then others were just like "WOTTTTT MAN"
i spent 80 minutes in that room. i forgot to put my water next to me, and i don't know if i was allowed my throat lozengers, since they're considered 'sweets'.
oh fuck i hate when people say soothers are sweets, they're bloody not!
i haven't mentioned i have a dodgy throat atm. i could hear it making weird sounds all the way through the exam. poooooo.

then tutorial pisstake. peter called me EMMA today.
he made me sign something, cause he was told i moved out of the other tyne met. whatever.

lunch then home.
i did some photography work, which is a failure. i need to print more stuff out tomorrow. poo head me.
i drank coffee when i got home. i am really ill, it's not fair.

oh, and the AFI dates are real. guess what my EMA money will go towards this week?
well, i need something for my mam first. no idea what.


i might have a glass of wine, and put a movie on.

i'm not dead, but who could call this a life?

today was fine.

the bus driver had gigantic lumpy moles that looked like they were burnt. it gave me and liv the idea to make a collection of reasons why i can't sleep at night. i might make a blog from it. it's humorous.

it was my first lesson back with emma the art teacher. i was a bit sad at first, but i remembered how hyper john was, and emma is totally calm compared to john. she also gave me other things to look at for my research. one thing she included was auschwitz concentration camp. oh god, awkward. i mentioned something about a picture of all the glasses collected from it, and she made a remark like "ohh, just imagine, those represented how many jews died there.. sad" and i was like "i know :/"
it was.. embarressing. i'm glad nailiah wasn't listening, she would've said something about jewish people.

lunch was weird. we arranged a secret santa, although it was complicated, and we all knew who we were getting. i'm excited for it! i don't think this christmas will be all that great, however it will very much so be different to every other. i won't bother listing why, i'm not prepared for christmas much.

then film. another awkward moment. davey asked people if they felt sorry for alex, and everyone he asked said no, then he said "surely emma, don't you feel sorry for him?" and i just nodded and said "yes." then leyla burst out laughing, then davey did his scary laugh and said "well i guess you did speak alot last lesson!"
i know i'm shy and awkward, but i'm not a monk.
I NOT THINKING FAST.

then oh christ, i spent my free searching to see if the AFI dates were real. i hope they are coming here.

and photography was funny, however toby hates me.
i walked past him, and he didn't achknowledge my existance. yeah, it's either he thinks me and leyla are lesbians, or the robert smith thing bothers him. oh well.
oh, but he did laugh when leyla burped on me. he laughed. he was probably thinking "thats what lesbian couples do to be cute" or something along those lines.

after that me and leyla went to town. i was going to buy a dvd, but i ended up not. and getting a pasty and one of those tea blast drinks. lush.

now i am dreeeeaaaaadddddding my exam. listening to all the devo albums on my ipod shuffled. sexy.

i just went in the loft, my dad can't hear with his headphones on. and i took a picture of him. he has no idea i went in and out the loft. silly billy.
my mam is asleep to and i've been making faces at her. even her favourite programme is on tv. well, i do guess it really shows how boring it actually is. because it is.

i remember

when that picture was my phone wallpaper, like 3 or 4 years ago.
that wasn't even that long ago, christ.
but back then i was obsessed with panic! at the disco. and me and stacy would annoy everyone by always talking about them. it was the best day ever when we actually saw them live. and we were going to try and meet them at the end, and join the band too. it's quite cringey talking about it, but i really do miss random things like this.

this picture made me think of the first time me and stacy went to haggersten castle together. i remember showing this picture to stacys dad and he said "he's very handsome" and stacy showed her phone wallpaper of ryan ross and her dad was like "he's very.. skinny" haha. i think she was sad after that.
i remember later that night when he gave us lager and it made stacy very hyper. she put her phone in the noodles. i thought it was the funniest thing ever.
when we went back in the bedroom i convinced her this weird thing from inside my kerrang magazine was in the cupboard and she was close to tears.
i don't think i'll ever forget those 3 days.

it's weird how one picture, that has little to do with this whole story can say alot about one time in my life. i miss it like crazy.